Another month passes

I haven't posted in forever. Obviously, things got more than a little out of control in February -- always a shortened and heightened month. Celebrated my 45th birthday on Feb. 5th which had, frankly, been giving me fits until I figured out the source of the angst. It wasn't that I was turning 45 that had me upset -- I hadn't had age crisis issues before so the fact that I was having one stunned me. My emotional worries were being caused by my oldest daughter turning 25 and realizing that her peers will be my professional colleagues when they graduate law school this year. I know, I know... it's weird. I'm over it -- now.

Then there was Blake's death a few days later. Blake was a friend of my middle son's and an amazing young man who lived with (note that I don't say "suffered") juvenile diabetes. On the morning of February 8th, Blake didn't wake up. My son (more about him later in this post) was supposed to "go chill" with Blake later that evening and had mentioned the lack of response to text messages which was very uncharacteristic. At some point in the early evening, my home phone rang -- NO ONE uses that number; anyone who knows us knows that (a) we rarely answer it; (b) that we don't like to use that phone and maintain it solely for a landline; and (c) if you want to get in touch with one of us, we all have cell phones... call the person you want to actually talk to since nobody gives messages to anyone else. Anyway, it was Blake's mother (a good friend of mine) on the phone. She said "I want to talk to you and then to your son." She gave me the news, got cut off by an incoming call and we ended the call.

After literally choking out the news to my husband, we decided that since we didn't know when Blake's mom would be calling back or IF she would be calling back (we knew we wouldn't be doing so under the circumstances), we needed to tell our 19 year old before he got the news through mutual friends, facebook, etc. When my friend finally called back, she was angry at me for telling my son the horrible news (I think she needed to be angry at someone and I was convenient). Regardless, she spoke with my son for a little bit and he then had some friends come over who helped him deal with his own grief -- my thanks to those two young men; my son did NOT want to talk to Blake's mom, me, my husband or his older siblings about what he was feeling.

The next few days were filled with making sure Blake's mom was ok. Another friend and I arranged for our knitting group members to be notified. We scheduled who was going to bring what food and when. We made sure funeral arrangements and facebook sites to celebrate Blake's life were noticed to everyone we knew in order to help out Blake's mom. Meanwhile, I was making damn sure that my son was ok (which he resented -- don't care), trying not to let this whole thing ruin my #4's birthday, getting ready to go away on a long weekend that had been planned for eight months and generally feeling like my brain was going to explode. It's only in looking back now -- a month later -- that I even remember any of the details of that week. I went to court on February 9th, apparently looking like I had been hit by a tractor trailer because a good friend of mine was worried sick about me (I guess I should mention here that I attended court a couple days after my dad's death five years ago and no one knew anything was wrong; this young man's death damn near tipped me over the edge). Blake's funeral was scheduled for Feb. 14th -- hubby and I decided not to cancel our vacation plans; there were going to be hundreds of people to give support to his mom and stepdad and we also arranged for emotional support for our three oldest children if that was needed.

When we returned from our long weekend, I quit smoking (last one was Feb. 16th at about 10:30 p.m.). Talk about "looks like I picked the wrong month to quit sniffing glue!!!!!!" (that's an movie reference in case anyone doesn't know... I do NOT sniff glue). Two days later, I came down with my second case of strep throat in a month and it was a DOOZY. Two days after that (I was ON antibiotics after all), I had a major hearing in a post-conviction relief act case that I think I should eventually win (I won't win because defense lawyers never do, but I "should" win). The week after that, #3 went to Ft. Dix for his 2 days of enlistment testing (I know... it's coming... hold on). The week after that, my babysitter was out of town for two days. Hamster on a wheel much?????????

So.... my number 3 kid's story. My 19 year old son is brilliant; like sickly so and doesn't study. Makes his dad and I nutsy crazy. After his sophmore year in high school, we basically said "get the grades up because you CAN or forget us killing ourselves for college tuition, especially anything other than community college." I'm a mean mom and am proud of that fact. Presto Chango.... grades went through the ceiling ('cause the kid is sickly brilliant and just needed to LOOK at his homework to get to almost straight A's). There was some discussion of enlistment during high school, but I was pretty opposed since we had 2 active war zones and he was not going to be 18 when he graduated high school. I hung up on recruiters daily after he took his SATs -- politely of course. He went to Millersville University in the Fall of 2007 and did ok the first semester but not so great in the 2nd -- here we go again, we thought, underutilization of tremendous brain power. When he returned to school in Fall of 2008, he paid for it himself and we made it crystal clear that the grades needed to come WAY up because we were not going to support an adult who didn't apply himself. The grades didn't come up. When he came home for Christmas break in December, we had a long talk and he decided not to get himself in more debt and to not return to college.

During the 1st week of January, he and his dad went to meet with an Air Force recruiter (a REALLY nice guy; I've obviously met him since). The military was an option. Community college was an option. Getting a job was an option. He chose the military -- six years in the United States Air Force to be exact. Yes... I am extremely proud of him for his choice to enlist. Yes... I am thrilled that he will be able to complete his degree AND have his student loans re-paid (I'd like even more if the money his dad and I laid out was re-paid). Yes... I understand that the Air Force is not in the thick of battle. I get it all. I am also a mom and my son has made a committment to spend six years of his life potentially in harm's way. We found out yesterday that he will report for basic training on June 8th but will be leaving here on June 7th.

So as I said at the beginning of this epic novel, it has been a shortened and heightened month. As of today, I am 31 days without a cigarette (thanks to Michelle, Anya and Maria in particular on THAT achievement!). As of today, I have been back on weight watchers for 9 days and lost 6.5 pounds in my first week. Yesterday, for the first time since the knee injury last Summer, I walked 1.5 miles in the sunshine at the park (in clogs... not bright... have HUGE blisters on my feet) and it felt wonderful. My time hasn't been my own (that is such an understatement as to just be silly), but I have managed to do some knitting, some scrapbooking, have a few cups of coffee with friends and take what was an INCREDIBLE long weekend away with my wonderful husband (with another one planned in mid-June for his birthday) with no kids.

The pictures at the top are of one of the invitations that my oldest daughter and I have made for my son's enlistment party (which we THINK is going to be on the baby's 3rd birthday on May 16th) and also of the baby learning to knit... not really, but she DOES love her yarn!!!! Maybe my next post will be a vent about the Eagles off-season "decisions" or have pictures of my 2-0-0-MINE knitting projects that are done....

What have I learned in the last month? I think my priorities may be changing significantly. I think I may want to be off of the hamster's wheel and may be ready to make some pretty big decisions/adjustments to my life so as to enjoy my life more. I know I have less patience with games and people who play them as each day passes. Lent is supposed to be a period of reflection and I am using it as such whenever I get a few minutes of peace and quiet. I'm making changes in my own life that I think are positive -- it's all about the baby steps -- and I think that's what 2-0-0-mine may end up being about for me.

Just plain angry

If I start to cry, I won't stop. If I scream out loud at the top of my lungs, I'll scare the babies and it won't help. Everything is topsy-turvy, upside down and just plain WRONG! What had been a relatively quiet weekend and a fun day with Ryan for his birthday (since we won't be home) has simply gone bad.

A little while ago, a very close friend of mine called to tell me that her 19 year old son (maybe he's 20... he's also a friend of my 19 year old) had died in his sleep last night. What the HELL is wrong with this world that a sweet kid, who always had a smile on his face and LONG arms ready to hug me is just gone?????????? This amazing kid who was at my house watching football a few weeks ago and consoling me when the Eagles lost by saying "there's always next year." What the HELL is wrong with this world when there is now no next year for Blake????????

I watch every day as criminals get lighter sentences because they take a guilty plea -- I negotiate those freakin' pleas. I watch every day as family law clients fight over minutiae so that they can feel as if they "won" in a divorce settlement -- I help them do it. I see people cheat the legal system, commit welfare fraud, cheat their clients and waste money on things they can't afford.

Then there are the good kids. The ones whose parents are middle-class and struglling in a terrible economy. Who are paying large portions of their education, even at a state-related university like Temple, it's expensive. Who work as lifeguards all summer long and always have a smile for annoying 7 year olds like Ryan. The ridiculously tall young adults who manage their diabetes without making a fuss about it. The kids who have never been handed Life on a silver platter but don't bitch about it.

Those, apparently, are the people that God wants with him sooner than they should ever be taken from us.

I'll miss you, Blake.... so much.

The saga ends

This will be a short post since I am very tired and very sad right now. Same thing... year after year after year. I was so desperately hoping that there would be a Lombardi Trophy in Philly before I turn 45. That can't happen now, of course.

On a cold January night, the impossible season ended for my Beloved Eagles in the desert of Arizona. They were outplayed, outcoached and the Cardinals wanted it more -- can't imagine HOW but certainly understand how Cardinal fans would be insulted by the lack of respect they received from the national media this week. The game was in Donovan McNabb's grasp -- I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the outcome, but I am as equally devastated by the loss as I was in seasons where the Eagles were 13 and 3 in the regular season.

That being said, we had a wonderful and LARGE party here today -- lots of people, a grotesque amount of food and alcohol, lots of yelling and as good a time as was possible with the end of a season that had become a metaphor for the first half of my life in some ways. Then again, 1980 ended with a loss too so I guess I've come out pretty much even.

Arizona 32
Eagles 25

Bring on the 2009 season!

Ain't no stoppin us now!!!!!!!!

And on another cold January afternoon, with snow and ice leftover from yesterday's non-serious snowstorm event, the dream goes on and on and on...

Originally, we were even going to have a friend who is a Giants fan here but he was sick so his wife came without him. What was originally a party of ten became 17 -- including my sister, her husband, their 2 kids and their daughter's friend. Our friends' son is friends with our son -- so he and a friend came over too. Next week... same time, same station and (God willing) same outcome. My Beloved Birds are again playing for the NFC Championship!!!!!!!!

The Giants... the defending Super Bowl Champs, the #1 seeded NFC team.... yeah, they're home for the winter and my Beloved Birds are heading to where it's warm to play another NFC East team (ok... I'm almost 45, the Cardinals used to BE an NFC East team) for a chance for the ultimate and yet unrealized prize. All I want for my birthday (four days after the Super Bowl) is to see that Lombardi Trophy moving down Broad Street (and I also want knitpicks needles set and matching Super Bowl Championship paraphernalia like blankets and shirts and banners).

Thank GOD next Monday is a holiday!!!!! I am hoarse from screaming, exhausted from stress and don't want to have to worry about going to work on Jan. 19th (Thank you, Dr. King). The same friends and family will be here -- after we provide the food and the alcohol, they all know where everything is in my house -- the FREAKIN' NFC Championship game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fifth time in eight years. First time EVER an NFC 6th seed team has gotten to that game.

Eagles 23 Giants 11 -- any questions how good MY mood is tonight???????????????

LET'S GO EAGLES!!!!! BRING ON THE CARDINALS!!!!!!

Don't Stop Believin'

Hmmmmm... old Journey songs from 1981. New Year, same theme. I may 28 years older, but ... the picture above was done in 2004; mere weeks before the Eagles won the NFC. Few but me believed that after losing three straight NFC championship games, the Eagles would EVER make the Super Bowl. I did. I still do.

My Eagles didn't disappoint me. Even I, in my "Always Bleeding Green" mindset, got a little bit nervous during the Vikings game. Worse yet, I had woken up with a full-blown migraine at 3 a.m. on Sunday morning and had to lay in a dark room right up until game time. The "throw a long pass" call on a third down and one brought most of the migraine back too!!!! But my Beloved Birds prevailed (and it WAS only a moment or two when my belief wavered). Bring on those New York football Giants; the World Champions; the Almighty Eli; the blah, blah, blah. Wait a sec... or bring on the team that lost to the Eagles a few weeks ago; the team that has lost its most powerful offensive weapon; the team that we play twice a year and have a pretty good win/loss record with over the past five years (we can ignore last year entirely please). I am ALL about another Miracle at the Meadowlands -- Brian Westbrook... get those running shoes ready!!

Other than the Eagles, the New Year has been dreary (it really DOES feel like 1981!). Work is busy as all get out, but the economy is taking its toll; clients are trying to pay what they can, but everyone is hurting -- I'm fair about it to a point unless the clients decide not to pay balances at all. I am positively swamped for the next several weeks with briefs and pre-trial statements due, on standby trial in an interesting criminal case, a complex property distribution case at the end of the month and with appellate files that are so big I can barely lift them.

Weather has been gross for weeks -- rain, sleet, ice, cold then warm. BLECH!!!!!! We woke up today to no power and a FREEZING cold house at 5 a.m. (power had been of since about 2). Hubby had a 2 hour delay, but #4 did not so I got a late start getting the baby to her sitter's house and then getting home. Got some work done, but not a whole lot -- certainly not what I needed to get done today (which has been the story of this past week -- everytime I sit down to work on something, something else interrupts me!).

I've gone from having 2 of the 5 kids at home full time to having 4 of the 5 at home..... things are flat out CRAZY....

But I still believe !!!!!!

YA GOTTA BELIEVE, PART II

And on a warm December night... when no one but a true Eagles fan thought it was possible. So much had to happen: the Bucs had to lose to Oakland; AND either the Vikings or Da Bears had to lose. We decided to throw one of our Eagles parties. After all, it WAS the Cowboys coming to town. After all, unless three miracles happened, my beloved Birds couldn't make the playoffs. But as I have been saying for so many months.... IT IS 1980 all over again and the Cowboys were in the way of Destiny!!!!!!!

We watched the Raiders beat the Bucs -- and let's face it, since 1981, no Eagles fan is ever going to be screaming "Go Raiders!!"... until today. During the early game, we kept seeing the Houston score -- omiGOD!!! they were beating the Bears. And then the Cowboys and the Eagles roared into the Linc. Only one team roared back out. For many years, I have watched the hated Cowboys and their arrogant players make their claim of being "America's Team." For oh-so-many years, I have watched the EAGLES be the NFC's best team or one of the best teams while the 'Boys fail to win a playoff game for a decade. I hear national commentators poo-poo our city and our fans and our spirit. Every year, for my whole life, Cowboys this and Cowboys that.

As we watched and screamed and jumped up and down and drank WAY too much and ate and made complete idiots of ourselves (and we feel a little badly since some of our guests weren't football fans; they WERE warned in advance)... once again as in October with the Phillies winning the World Series, I was that 16 year old girl again. The girl with good knees (I think my knees may be in pretty serious pain right now -- there was that one fumble run back for a touchdown where I jumped up and down and knew subconciously that I shouldn't BE jumping up and down; LOTS of drinking). The happy girl who had her whole Life stretched out before her on a silver platter. The girl whose Daddy would have LOVED today's game so much.

As my sister and I were texting back and forth: "It was always going to be the Cowboys."

Final score: Eagles 44 Cowboys 6

BRING ON THE VIKINGS -- IT'S 1980!!!!!!!

GO EAGLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas

So we had a fun day (and Christmas Eve too although there was a LOT of alcohol involved which made this morning a little rough!). All the kids were here as was my mom. Everyine got spoiled rotten -- I do 99.9% of the shopping; I'm not sure whether my yarn addiction or shopping-for-my-kids addiction is worse.

As to LJB's comment below: Sorry Sissy, just didn't have enough room on the last post LOL

Pictures above are of my sister, pretend brother and I on Thanksgiving and of the kids and my mom today.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a GOOD NIGHT